Burnt Out on Sharing My Creative Work
I tried coming up with a catchier title, but this is all you get.
Back in April, I hit 666 posts on Instagram, and quite suddenly felt I needed a fresh start. With the exception of a recent writing and a few live videos, I deleted/archived everything I had posted in the past seven years. I also took down most of the posts on this Substack account. I’ve been calling it, “The Great Purge of 2024”.
a blank slate is before me
a defiant crisp white sheet
my pencils demand sharpening
but i haven’t a clue what to write
all my previous words are old
and i’m something new now
and i no longer know how
to fit this cracking skin
i’m suffocating in
coming apart at the seams
breaking down and dissolving
a violent unraveling
to reveal something
we’ve never seen before
My relationship to my creative work, and especially social media/online sharing, is going through a rough patch. I feel terribly confused and lost right now, as I know so many other creatives are as well. Things are weird and unstable in the online world at the moment, moreso than usual. And at the same time, I’m trying to reevaluate what I want to put out into the world.
Whatever audience I used to have has dramatically shrunk. I start asking myself a lot of questions about what it even means to have an audience, and how important it is. The internet has convinced my entire generation, and younger generations, that every creative should have an audience. Because of the possibility to reach millions of people worldwide, we have this idea that we should reach millions of people worldwide. I know there are probably a million people out there who would appreciate and connect with my work, and the internet could make that possible, but is it achievable? And should it be a goal? Should I try to attract an audience? If so, how large? And if I don’t try to grow an audience, what is the point of sharing anything? And if I don’t share what I create, what really is the point of creating anything? These are deep questions with complicated and varying answers.
There is an ever-growing cacophony of “content” vying for our continually decreasing attention spans. Social media is less social these days. Meme culture and reels have taken over the digital landscape like an invasive species. I realize my actual friends rarely post on social media anymore, and most of the socializing we do on these apps is 90% sharing other people’s funny content with one another. We’re not socializing and connecting and sharing our creative work and our lives- we are merely cogs in the machine, sending bits of information back and forth to make other people money.
What about our own creative work? These apps are now literally suppressing the reach of all content that does not fit within a certain mold- a narrow range of what feeds our attention to the brands who pay for ads. Us regular folk can no longer compete with the endless stream of ads and suggested content clogging our followers’ feeds.
Substack is a promising relief from the chaotic noise of social media, being a place for actually sharing creative work and connecting with others. Longform writing is celebrated, and our attention spans can stretch out again and take in thoughtful ideas and artwork. But I admit I am worried about the direction Substack has been going as of late, and I fear it will also go the way of all other social media apps.
In my ideal world, I have a small but mighty loyal audience who actually interacts with my writings and other creative work. We engage with one another, we make real connections and make actual friendships. I dream of having a wide selection of poetry booklets and collections of essays available to purchase and hold in your hands, to be read the old-fashioned way without a screen.
But I will now finally admit: I am quite burnt out. It really is hard to continue sharing your work when you receive so little response and engagement. I will continue making my booklets because I like them for myself, and to have them for my children when they are grown. But I don’t know how to share/market them for the public anymore (not that I really knew how to begin with). I am exhausted by trying to gain anyone’s attention. And now I don’t even know what I want to post online anymore. What is the point?
Sometimes I start to think perhaps it is time for me to quit posting my various thoughts/essays online and dedicate myself to writing an actual book. I have plenty of ideas. But it still leaves me with the same haunting fear- that I will pour myself into my creation and once I release it into the world, no one will read it.
At this point, all the seasoned writers of ages past and present are now laughing at me, some with righteous indignation, because this is a core aspect of being a writer: You write because you have to, and you do it because you love it, not because other people will love reading it.
I understand the need to write (writing, more than anything else, keeps me sane), but I admit that I’ve never been long-term dedicated to anything. It’s a miracle I’ve been married to the same man for 14 years now. The idea of me dedicating my time and energy to write an actual full-length book? Especially with no guarantee that it will mean a damn thing to anybody else? Bitch, I am not that loyal. I play the harlot with many short-term lovers. I need some dopamine hits, give me a quick poem or a song or a fiber doll to make. I can post that shit online and maybe get a like or two, a brief moment of feeling mildly relevant in this large chaotic world. I don’t think one like or two on AN ENTIRE BOOK is gonna cut it for me.
I think about creating and writing for my children. It’s so much more relevant. I think maybe one day, they might truly appreciate the things I wrote. Maybe it will mean something to them. Or maybe it will be a reminder that their mentally and physically ill mother kept shooing them out of her room so she could write her stupid books. Doesn’t it seem that the best thing I could do for my children is to spend less time with my creative work and more time just hanging out with them? But is that even true? I have to write and create or I will lose my goddamn mind, and nobody wants mama to lose her goddamn mind. Will my children understand that? Do they understand that now? I don’t know.
We’re getting into some deeper issues here, and as ALWAYS, I zoom out so damn far I get lost floating in space. What is the point of ANY of this? I am struggling so hard to cling to any sense of meaning here. Ultimately, what is the point of my poems and writings? I am both wise and an utter fool. Maybe I have wisdom to share. Or maybe it’s utter foolishness. And who wants wisdom from someone who is miserable at least 50% of the time and is certainly crazy for 80% of it? Then I become an object of entertainment or amusement. Ah, let’s check out what Crazy Gracie is up to lately. I’m like your manic pixie dream girl except I’m way more of a nightmare than a dream. And if that’s your fetish, then I’m all yours, baby. Until I’m not. Because fuck you.
I feel like all of this is to say that I’m completely lost right now. I distract myself with things I love until they demand too much of me and then I sink into depression again. I’m on the verge of completing so many different creative projects right now, but I struggle to actually finish them. I know part of me is procrastinating because I’m pretty sure I won’t feel a real sense of joy once they are complete. I’ll finish my creations and be like, See! Look at what I made! And the world will yawn, I’ll collapse in exhaustion, and then lay in bed for weeks wondering what the fucking point of life even is.
And so, here I am, at some sort of personal and creative crossroads, wrestling with Mercury in a whole new way. I feel lame as fuck right now, but I’m not as hopeless as I may sound. I’ve been through enough shifts and energetic recalibrations in my life to understand that this confusion won’t last forever. At some point I’ll gain more clarity. The path will reveal itself as I keep stumbling forward. Hell, just finishing this post (which I began in May and has gone through multiple revisions) is a step in the right direction.
Because posts are better with pics, right?